A weekend at the bars. Or behind them anyway.

First of all, let me thank Doug for motivating me to start a blog - now I'm part of the club. Second, let me say that everyone's bitter disposition to hate cops is perfectly warranted - let me tell you a little story about what I did this weekend.

So a friend from high school comes to New York for the night on Saturday - let's call him Chris. A little background on Chris... Chris is, to say the least, a raging alcoholic. He's also a very angry person (he's on medication to control his temper) and was formerly in the military. He last bench pressed 430 lbs about a week ago. I haven't seen him in about a year. The night starts off with some dinner, we go to Heartland Brewery to have a burger, and I order a beer. Actually, the conversation with the waitress goes like this:
Me: Umm, I'll have the chicken club and a 23 ounce wheat beer. Thanks.
Cute Waitress, smiling: ok. and for you sir (turning to Chris, who hasn't taken his eyes off her breasts long enough to look at the menu.)
Chris: What time do you get off work?
Cute Waitress: umm, 1. Are you ready to order?
Chris: What do you want to drink?
Cute Waitress: Pardon me?
Chris: What do you want me to buy you to drink?
Cute Waitress: Umm, I can't drink now, I'm working.
Me: Let's just order our dinner and we can pick up the waitress later.
Chris: ok, I'll have a jack daniels and 7up. actually make it a double jack.
Cute Waitress: and to eat?
Chris: I'm not sure yet, can you come back in a few minutes?
Me: He'll have a burger, medium rare, cheddar, and bacon. Thanks.

We eat our food and proceed to have seven or eight similar conversations with the waitress, each resulting in another drink. After pissing 3 times and paying the $120 tab, I walked out of the restaurant. I then walked back in the restaurant to pry Chris off the girl who sat at the table next to ours. Her friends told me I had a creepy friend with a staring problem who didn't understand the English word "no." I was relieved to make it outside with him without getting into a fight.

We head home after Chris picks up a 6 pack of Coors at the deli. We sit on the couch for about 45 minutes as he drinks 5 and I have 1. It's around 11 and we're ready to go to the club Vela. Quick change of clothes, throw on a jacket, and we're out the door. Chris runs into the street to stop the cab, whose tires screech. I shake my head.

We get to the club where we sit VIP with a friend in the back. He's got a table and a few bottles of vodka on their way. Chris immediately goes to the bar and comes back with 3 7 and 7s and 3 shots of Jager. We all look at each other and then at the bottle of Stoli in front of us. The FREE bottle of Stoli. Chris apparently doesn't drink vodka. So he orders himself a bottle of Jack Daniels for $300.

Chris, to our amazement, proceeds to drink 3/4 of the bottle before spilling the rest all over the table. I uneasily watch as people push Chris, call him an asshole, and threaten to kick his ass. Chris weighs 230 pounds, though, so he gets defensive and pushes a guy over the table. Again, to my amazement, the fight gets broken up immediately, and we decide we should go home.

3:20 am: Chris pays his tab while I take a leak.
3:21 am: Chris starts yelling at someone - I can hear him from the urinal.
3:24 am: I zip up and investigate the situation.
3:27 am: My credit card gets rejected after I try to help Chris pay his tab.
3:29 am: I learn that 2 other bottles have been charged to his tab, which was now $850.
3:31 am: I get caught getting my coat from coat check and trying to leave the club. The bouncer holds my arm until the manager comes to speak with me.
3:34 am: The manager calls me a few names, says the police are on the way, and warns me to call a friend who can lend me the money to pay MY tab, since my friend is "too drunk to take responsibility."
3:37 am: I frantically call my mother from the back of the police car as I watch Chris kick a cop in the groin and get thrown to the ground by 3 others. I watch with mouth wide open as they slam him against the car and slap cuffs on him, and then proceed to throw him into the car next to me. I watch in disbelief as he proceeds to kick at the window of the car, slamming the door open into one of the officers. As quickly as he got in, he was pulled out and thrown into another car.
3:44 am: We get to precinct 13 and are escorted in, Chris kicking and yelling. I apologize to all the cops for his ridiculous show.
3:49 am: I sit down next to a large black man who tells me he's in there for j-walking. Chris is in another cell by himself.
3:52 am: The black guy and I begin to laugh as Chris begins a 4 hour long snore.

I try to use some Dr. Lecter psychological prodding to convince the officer that he has marital trouble, that his mother doesn't love him, and that God will reward him for releasing me. I am told to shut my fucking mouth before he adds harassment to my charge of "theft of service." I quickly abandon that tactic and try to "get comfy" - easier said than done when you're sitting on a stainless steel bench in a room with 5 concrete surfaces and the sixth metal bars.

4:25 am: My head throbs and I need a drink of water.
425 am - 8:45am: I beg and plead with the officer to give me a drink.
9:45 am: the officer lets me out of the cell to get a drink of water.

Chris sleeps soundly, his cheek pressed to the floor. I sit and wait to see the judge.

Noon: I ask when we'll see the judge. The officer tells me the judge will be in Monday morning.

It's painfully bright in there. Large flourescent lights keep my head throbbing. Chris continues to snore.

6 pm: DINNER!!! I am STARVING!!!! The meat looked inedible, so I said I was a vegitarian. I was handed 2 slices of stale bread with a slice of american cheese, also known as a sandwich. I was one of the lucky ones to get a packet of mayo with my meal.

More to come tomorrow about our party in the slammer.